


Science Fiction

by A_Garbage_Bag



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Mature and Refined Humor, One Shot, Short One Shot, absolutely no artistic value, not worth even a second of your time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:55:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24999448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Garbage_Bag/pseuds/A_Garbage_Bag
Summary: ellie tries to understand bidets. joel accidentally transcends.
Relationships: Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 31





	Science Fiction

**Author's Note:**

> set during the timeskip where Joel and Ellie travel to the University

“The fuck is this thing?” 

They were (supposed to be) searching a house for supplies (nonperishables and fresh water, ideally) when Ellie’s voice came muffled down the stairs.

“What?” He called back from the kitchen.

“This weird fucking— it looks like a— it’s this white stick thing in the toilet.”

“Ellie, you’re supposed to be looking for supplies.”

“I know, but this shit’s fucking weird! Just— come up here!”

Joel looked back in the cupboard he was searching. It was empty anyway. He closed it with a sigh.

* * *

“You see it?”

“Yeah, I see it.”

“What is it?”

“I do not know.”

Joel knew.

“You know.”

“I got no idea.”

He had every idea. He just didn’t feel like explaining the tools of pre-Cordyceps personal hygiene to Ellie. Nowadays, when even a roll of one-ply toilet paper was a rare luxury, the idea of using water for anything other than drinking and washing off blood seemed like something out of a science fiction novel that he would rather not explain to an over-curious 14 year old girl. 

“Does it, like, shoot out lasers?”

“Ellie, c’mon, we’re looking for supplies.”

“Oh, maybe it’s a camera? I’ve heard cameras could be really small.”

Joel didn’t respond, instead opting to search the cabinets above the sink for supplies.

“But then what’s this fucking control panel over here?” She wiped the dust off the device. “‘Water pressure’… so it shoots out water? Was it for drinking?”

“No,” he replied involuntarily.

She clapped. “So you do know what it is!”

Son of a bitch. “No. I just know it ain’t for drinking.”

“You totally know what it is. Why’s it in the toilet?”

“No idea.”

“Joel.”

“Ellie. Look for food.”

“I’m not doing anything until you tell me what it is.”

Joel didn’t reply.

“Come oooonnn.”

“How old are you?”

“Come oooooooooooonn. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—”

“It’s a bidet,” he muttered.

“What?”

Louder: “It’s a bidet.”

“That means nothing to me.”

“You would use it to wash… your… after…”

Ellie looked at him, expecting him to finish his sentence. 

Instead of doing that, he grabbed a bottle of pills from a cabinet and set them on the counter. He then swung off his backpack, unzipped it, and pulled out three more pill bottles. He then chugged all four bottles in a row. 

And then his third eye opened. All was one. He understood how to shank Clickers. He understood it all.

His eyes melted into stars. He was in an empty chamber of pure white.

“After taking a shit?”

Her voice echoed through the chamber. He could not fathom it.

“What?” 

“You would use it to wash your ass after taking a shit?”

Joel blinked, but he had no eyelids. He had no eyes.

“The singularity?”

“What? No, the bih… the bihd… bihdeh.”

“Bidet?”

“Right! You’d turn up the pressure and then press this button and then water would shoot out. Is that right?”

Joel could see it all. The expanding sun. The birth of eternity. God was his pet rat. The angels his servants. Winter, spring, summer, autumn; hot and cold; heaven and hell; all was one in his mind. Who even was this voice? There were no strings on him.

“Ew, but then wouldn’t your butt be wet? So would you wipe it with toilet paper or something afterwards? God, imagine having toilet paper. We got like five sheets a week in the Zone. Is it true that people used to just buy rolls and rolls from the store?”

Joel tried to move, but was held down by the weight of the Universe. “Joints were illegal, you couldn’t buy them from the store.”

“What? Joel, are you okay?”

“Is anyone?”

He could take down a Bloater with a chest bump. A Clicker with a snap. Azathoth trembled at his might. Who’s the dream now, asshole?

“Are you high?”

And then Oneness came crashing down around him. God’s leash slipped from his fading hands. The stars made their exit. He was back in reality, in a crumbling bathroom at the end of the world with an anomaly of a girl. Talking about something…

“What’d you say?'"

She groaned. “Did you take those pills again?”

“No.”

She didn’t seem to believe him. “Well, I figured out how bidets work on my own.” She closed the toilet bowl. “Did everyone have them?”

Right. He sighed and closed the cabinets. “Most people didn’t. They were European.” He began rifling through the drawers.

Ellie pulled open the shower curtain. “Euro-what?”

“They don’t teach geography in military school?” He found a pair of rusty scissors and stuffed them in his bag.

“The focus is more on how to kill shit.”

“Well, Europe is… a place across the ocean. It’s a continent. Things there tended to be more fancy. It’s where most expensive cars came from.”

“And where bidets came from?” She closed the curtain.

“Yeah. They mostly came from France.”

“Oh! I know France. _Faire,_ uhhhhhh, _faire la saucisse._

“What’s that mean?”

“‘Make the sausage.’”

“Oh, I see. I know some French myself, actually.”

”Really?”

”Yeah. _Vous êtes inutile.”_

“What's _that_ mean?”

“'You are useless.'”

**Author's Note:**

> hi thanks for reading


End file.
